Which One

I looked at the printout five times this morning,

trying to decide which number the doctor was afraid of.

142 / 89.

The slash between them like a question

I'm not qualified to answer.

She circled the top one in pen,

pressed hard enough

that the ink went through the back,

and I thought:

that one, then.

That one is the problem.

But what if I'm reading it wrong?

What if the problem is the bottom number,

and the circle is just her

being thorough,

and I'm supposed to understand

which one kills you first?

Now I think about it constantly.

I put my fingers to my neck

like the number lives in my blood

and I can catch it if I'm fast enough,

if I'm paying attention,

if I stop paying attention long enough

to feel what's actually there.

It's gotten worse since she circled it.

The number, I mean.

Or maybe I'm just noticing it more,

now that I know

it's supposed to be noticed,

now that I know

my body has been betraying me

all along,

and I was just too busy

to pay attention.