Refresh

The patient portal loads.

Status: pending.

I check at six. Coffee isn't ready.

Email is empty. Portal first.

That's the order now.

Day five. The routine is set.

Refresh. Refresh. The spinning icon

next to the word I've learned to hate.

I sit at my desk and look at it.

Not at work. Not at anything.

Just the word. The spinning icon.

The timestamp shows when I checked.

Not when they checked anything.

Not when there will be answers.

I open the spam folder. Nothing.

Open the portal again.

Still pending. Still the icon.

This is what waiting does.

It teaches you that control is an illusion.

That refreshing the page won't change anything.

But you refresh anyway.