Saudade

I heard it at the pharmacy,

someone speaking Portuguese

to their friend,

a word I didn't know,

saudade,

and my friend told me later

it means like the person who gives you

joy and also heartbreak,

and I've been thinking about it

for three days.

Three days.

It's just a word.

It shouldn't live in my head

like this,

shouldn't take up space,

shouldn't make me feel

like I've been missing something

all along,

like English has been incomplete

this whole time,

like I've been trying to describe

a color

that only exists

in another language.

The pharmacy aisle.

The fluorescent lights.

The ordinary moment

where I heard a word

that made me understand

that I've been feeling something

I didn't have a name for,

that there's a gap

between what I feel

and what I can say,

and it's the size of a language.