What Laughter Looks Like Written Down

I scrolled back through the old chat

looking for my own laugh.

Page after page of 'lol'

like breadcrumbs

I'd left for myself

to find my way back.

But the laugh wasn't there.

Just the letters.

Just the sound someone else

decided meant laughter

when nobody knew what laughter sounded like.

'lol' repeated down the screen.

Dozens of times.

My hand reaching for humor

that I can't hear anymore.

I tried to remember

what my laugh sounded like then.

Nothing came back.

Just the letters.

Just the ghost

of something I used to do

without thinking.

Now I think.

Now I type.

Now I'm not sure if I'm laughing

or just saying

that I am.