Too Much

I didn't sleep.

I lied to my mom.

I told her I was fine.

She didn't believe me

but she asked me to go to school anyway.

My best friend isn't talking to me.

I don't know why.

I've been replaying conversations

all morning

trying to figure out what I did.

I have a test tomorrow.

I haven't studied.

I can't study.

I can't make my brain do anything

except spin.

I'm sitting in the hallway

after fourth period

and I'm watching other people

walk by like it's fine.

Like they're fine.

Like managing school and friends

and family and their own brain

is just something you do.

The floor is concrete.

My shoes are worn through at the heel.

The light from the windows

is all wrong today.

It's too bright.

It's making everything look sick.

I have four more classes.

Then I have to go home

and pretend I'm okay.

Then I have to go to bed

knowing I won't sleep.

Then I have to wake up

and do this again.

I don't know how people do this.

I don't know how to be a person

who can manage

school and sleep and friends

and a brain that won't stop

spinning.

I don't know.

And I'm supposed to know.

I'm supposed to be figuring it out.

I'm supposed to be okay.

But I'm not okay.

I'm sitting in a hallway

with my shoes worn through

and I'm wondering

how much longer

I can pretend.