Three Times, Meaning It

Three times yesterday. I said it to my mother

on the phone, and meant: I am sorry I don't call enough,

and I'm scared of the years you have left,

and I remember the smell of your coat in winter.

I said it to a friend signing off a text,

and meant: you showed up when I was bad at being shown up for

and I have never said so directly

and probably won't.

I said it to my partner in the dark,

and they said it back already half asleep,

and I lay there looking at the ceiling

and meant: I chose this. Every morning I choose it.

I am still here choosing it.

Three different sentences.

Same four letters.

I don't know if that's the word doing its job

or the word being asked to do too many jobs at once,

and whether those are different things.

The breathing beside me slowed.

I didn't sleep for a while.