Wanting Something Wrong

I caught myself staring.

Again. For the third time this hour.

They were just standing there

being irrelevant

and I was being an idiot.

The way they laugh.

It's stupid. It's nothing.

It's the kind of laugh anyone has.

But I've started to memorize it.

I've started to arrange my day

so I might hear it again.

I made an excuse to be near them today.

I can't even say what the excuse was.

My brain was too busy

rewiring itself around their existence.

This is what it means to be stupid.

This is what it means to want something

your own mind tells you not to want.

They looked at me once

and I felt something collapse

inside my chest.

They didn't look at me again.

But I keep going back.

Keep making excuses.

Keep standing too close

hoping they'll notice me

the way I've noticed

every insignificant thing about them.

This is not love. This is not even liking them.

This is my brain misfiring

around someone who doesn't know my name.

This is wanting to be wanted

by someone who would never

want me back.