First Book

Of writing many books there is no end;

And I who have written much in prose and verse

For others’ uses, will write now for mine,—

Will write my story for my better self,

As when you paint your portrait for a friend,

Who keeps it in a drawer and looks at it

Long after he has ceased to love you, just

To hold together what he was and is.

I, writing thus, am still what men call young;

I have not so far left the coasts of life

To travel inland, that I cannot hear

That murmur of the outer Infinite

Which unweaned babies smile at in their sleep

When wondered at for smiling; not so far,

But still I catch my mother at her post

Beside the nursery-door, with finger up,

‘Hush, hush—here’s too much noise!’ while her sweet eyes

Leap forward, taking part against her word

In the child’s riot. Still I sit and feel

My father’s slow hand, when she had left us both,

Stroke out my childish curls across his knee;

And hear Assunta’s daily jest (she knew

He liked it better than a better jest)

Inquire how many golden scudi went

To make such ringlets. O my father’s hand,

Stroke the poor hair down, stroke it heavily,—

Draw, press the child’s head closer to thy knee!

I’m still too young, too young to sit alone.

I write. My mother was a Florentine,

Whose rare blue eyes were shut from seeing me

When scarcely I was four years old; my life,

A poor spark snatched up from a failing lamp

Which went out therefore. She was weak and frail;

She could not bear the joy of giving life—

The mother’s rapture slew her. If her kiss

Had left a longer weight upon my lips,

It might have steadied the uneasy breath,

And reconciled and fraternised my soul

With the new order. As it was, indeed,

I felt a mother-want about the world,

And still went seeking, like a bleating lamb

Left out at night, in shutting up the fold,—

As restless as a nest-deserted bird

Grown chill through something being away, though what

It knows not. I, Aurora Leigh, was born

To make my father sadder, and myself

Not overjoyous, truly. Women know

The way to rear up children, (to be just,)

They know a simple, merry, tender knack

Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes,

And stringing pretty words that make no sense,

And kissing full sense into empty words;

Which things are corals to cut life upon,

Although such trifles: children learn by such,

Love’s holy earnest in a pretty play,

And get not over-early solemnised,—

But seeing, as in a rose-bush, Love’s Divine,

Which burns and hurts not,—not a single bloom,—

Become aware and unafraid of Love.

Such good do mothers. Fathers love as well

—Mine did, I know,—but still with heavier brains,

And wills more consciously responsible,

And not as wisely, since less foolishly;

So mothers have God’s licence to be missed.

My father was an austere Englishman,

Who, after a dry life-time spent at home

In college-learning, law, and parish talk,

Was flooded with a passion unaware,

His whole provisioned and complacent past

Drowned out from him that moment. As he stood

In Florence, where he had come to spend a month

And note the secret of Da Vinci’s drains,

He musing somewhat absently perhaps

Some English question.. whether men should pay

The unpopular but necessary tax

With left or right hand—in the alien sun

In that great square of the Santissima,

There drifted past him (scarcely marked enough

To move his comfortable island-scorn,)

A train of priestly banners, cross and psalm,—

The white-veiled rose-crowned maidens holding up

Tall tapers, weighty for such wrists, aslant

To the blue luminous tremor of the air,

And letting drop the white wax as they went

To eat the bishop's wafer at the church;

From which long trail of chanting priests and girls,

A face flashed like a cymbal on his face,

And shook with silent clangour brain and heart,

Transfiguring him to music. Thus, even thus,

He too received his sacramental gift

With eucharistic meanings; for he loved.

And thus beloved, she died. I've heard it said

That but to see him in the first surprise

Of widower and father, nursing me,

Unmothered little child of four years old,

His large man's hands afraid to touch my curls,

As if the gold would tarnish,—his grave lips

Contriving such a miserable smile,

As if he knew needs must, or I should die,

And yet 'twas hard,—would almost make the stones

Cry out for pity. There's a verse he set

In Santa Croce to her memory,

'Weep for an infant too young to weep much

When death removed this mother'—stops the mirth

To-day, on women's faces when they walk

With rosy children hanging on their gowns,

Under the cloister, to escape the sun

That scorches in the piazza. After which,

He left our Florence, and made haste to hide

Himself, his prattling child, and silent grief,

Among the mountains above Pelago;

Because unmothered babes, he thought, had need

Of mother nature more than others use,

And Pan’s white goats, with udders warm and full

Of mystic contemplations, come to feed

Poor milkless lips of orphans like his own—

Such scholar-scraps he talked, I’ve heard from friends,

For even prosaic men, who wear grief long,

Will get to wear it as a hat aside

With a flower stuck in’t. Father, then, and child,

We lived among the mountains many years,

God’s silence on the outside of the house,

And we, who did not speak too loud, within;

And old Assunta to make up the fire,

Crossing herself whene’er a sudden flame

Which lightened from the firewood, made alive

That picture of my mother on the wall.

The painter drew it after she was dead;

And when the face was finished, throat and hands,

Her cameriera carried him, in hate

Of the English-fashioned shroud, the last brocade

She dressed in at the Pitti. ‘He should paint

No sadder thing than that,’ she swore, ‘to wrong

Her poor signora.’ Therefore, very strange

The effect was. I, a little child, would crouch

And gaze across them, half in terror, half

In adoration, at the picture there,—

That swan-like supernatural white life,

Just sailing upward from the red stiff silk

Which seemed to have no part in it, nor power

To keep it from quite breaking out of bounds:

For hours I sate and stared. Asssunta’s awe

And my poor father’s melancholy eyes

Still pointed that way. That way, went my thoughts

When wandering beyond sight. And as I grew

In years, I mixed, confused, unconsciously,

Whatever I last read or heard or dreamed,

Abhorrent, admirable, beautiful,

Pathetical, or ghastly, or grotesque,

With still that face... which did not therefore change,

But kept the mystic level of all forms

And fears and admirations; was by turns

Ghost, fiend, and angel, fairy, witch, and sprite,—

A dauntless Muse who eyes a dreadful Fate,

A loving Psyche who loses sight of Love,

A still Medusa, with mild milky brows

All curdled and all clothed upon with snakes

Whose slime falls fast as sweat will; or, anon,

Our Lady of the Passion, stabbed with swords

Where the Babe sucked; or, Lamia in her first

Moonlighted pallor, ere she shrunk and blinked,

And, shuddering, wriggled down to the unclean;

Or, my own mother, leaving her last smile

In her last kiss, upon the baby-mouth

My father pushed down on the bed for that,—

Or, my dead mother, without smile or kiss,

Buried at Florence. All which images,

Concentred on the picture, glassed themselves

Before my meditative childhood,.. as

The incoherences of change and death

Are represented fully, mixed and merged,

In the smooth fair mystery of perpetual Life.

And while I stared away my childish wits

Upon my mother’s picture, (ah, poor child!)

My father, who through love had suddenly

Thrown off the old conventions, broken loose

From chin-bands of the soul, like Lazarus,

Yet had no time to learn to talk and walk

Or grow anew familiar with the sun,—

Who had reached to freedom, not to action, lived,

But lived as one entranced, with thoughts, not aims,—

Whom love had unmade from a common man

But not completed to an uncommon man,—

My father taught me what he had learnt the best

Before he died and left me,—grief and love.

And, seeing we had books among the hills,

Strong words of counselling souls, confederate

With vocal pines and waters,—out of books

He taught me all the ignorance of men,

And how God laughs in heaven when any man

Says, ‘Here I’m learned; this, I understand;

In that, I am never caught at fault or doubt.’

He sent the schools to school demonstrating

A fool will pass for such through one mistake,

While a philosopher will pass for such,

Through said mistakes being ventured in the gross

And heaped up to a system.

                                                                              I am like,

They tell me, my dear father. Broader brows

Howbeit, upon a slenderer undergrowth

Of delicate features,—paler, near as grave;

But then my mother’s smile breaks up the whole,

And makes it better sometimes than itself.

So, nine full years, our days were hid with God

Among his mountains. I was just thirteen,

Still growing like the plants from unseen roots

In tongue-tied Springs,—and suddenly awoke

To full life and its needs and agonies,

With an intense, strong, struggling heart beside

A stone-dead father. Life, struck sharp on death,

Makes awful lightning. His last word was, ‘Love—’

‘Love, my child, love, love!’—(then he had done with grief)

‘Love, my child.’ Ere I answered he was gone,

And none was left to love in all the world.

There, ended childhood: what succeeded next

I recollect as, after fevers, men

Thread back the passage of delirium,

Missing the turn still, baffled by the door;

Smooth endless days, notched here and there with knives;

A weary, wormy darkness, spurred i’ the flank

With flame, that it should eat and end itself

Like some tormented scorpion. Then, at last,

I do remember clearly, how there came

A stranger with authority, not right,

(I thought not) who commanded, caught me up

From old Assunta’s neck; how, with a shriek,

She let me go,—while I, with ears too full

Of my father’s silence, to shriek back a word,

In all a child’s astonishment at grief

Stared at the wharfage where she stood and moaned,

My poor Assunta, where she stood and moaned!

The white walls, the blue hills, my Italy,

Drawn backward from the shuddering steamer-deck,

Like one in anger drawing back her skirts

Which suppliants catch at. Then the bitter sea

Inexorably pushed between us both,

And sweeping up the ship with my despair

Threw us out as a pasture to the stars.

Ten nights and days we voyaged on the deep;

Ten nights and days, without the common face

Of any day or night; the moon and sun

Cut off from the green reconciling earth,

To starve into a blind ferocity

And glare unnatural; the very sky

(Dropping its bell-net down upon the sea

As if no human heart should scape alive,)

Bedraggled with the desolating salt,

Until it seemed no more than holy heaven

To which my father went. All new, and strange—

The universe turned stranger, for a child.

Then, land!—then, England! oh, the frosty cliffs

Looked cold upon me. Could I find a home

Among those mean red houses through the fog?

And when I heard my father’s language first

From alien lips which had no kiss for mine,

I wept aloud, then laughed, then wept, then wept,—

And some one near me said the child was mad

Through much sea-sickness. The train swept us on.

Was this my father’s England? the great isle?

The ground seemed cut up from the fellowship

Of verdure, field from field, as man from man;

The skies themselves looked low and positive,

As almost you could touch them with a hand,

And dared to do it, they were so far off

From God’s celestial crystals; all things, blurred

And dull and vague. Did Shakspeare and his mates

Absorb the light here?—not a hill or stone

With heart to strike a radiant colour up

Or active outline on the indifferent air!

I think I see my father’s sister stand

Upon the hall-step of her country-house

To give me welcome. She stood straight and calm,

Her somewhat narrow forehead braided tight

As if for taming accidental thoughts

From possible pulses; brown hair pricked with grey

By frigid use of life, (she was not old,

Although my father’s elder by a year)

A nose drawn sharply, yet in delicate lines;

A close mild mouth, a little soured about

The ends, through speaking unrequited loves,

Or peradventure niggardly half-truths;

Eyes of no colour,—once they might have smiled,

But never, never have forgot themselves

In smiling; cheeks in which was yet a rose

Of perished summers, like a rose in a book,

Kept more for ruth than pleasure,—if past bloom,

Past fading also.

                                                She had lived we’ll say,

A harmless life, she called a virtuous life,

A quiet life, which was not life at all,

(But that, she had not lived enough to know)

Between the vicar and the county squires,

The lord-lieutenant looking down sometimes

From the empyreal, to assure their souls

Against chance vulgarisms, and, in the abyss,

The apothecary looked on once a year,

To prove their soundness of humility.

The poor-club exercised her Christian gifts

Of knitting stockings, stitching petticoats,

Because we are of one flesh after all

And need one flannel, (with a proper sense

Of difference in the quality)—and still

The book-club guarded from your modern trick

Of shaking dangerous questions from the crease,

Preserved her intellectual. She had lived

A sort of cage-bird life, born in a cage,

Accounting that to leap from perch to perch

Was act and joy enough for any bird.

Dear heaven, how silly are the things that live

In thickets and eat berries!

                                                                              I, alas,

A wild bird scarcely fledged, was brought to her cage,

And she was there to meet me. Very kind.

Bring the clean water; give out the fresh seed.

She stood upon the steps to welcome me,

Calm, in black garb. I clung about her neck,—

Young babes, who catch at every shred of wool

To draw the new light closer, catch and cling

Less blindly. In my ears, my father’s word

Hummed ignorantly, as the sea in shells,

‘Love, love, my child,’ She, black there with my grief,

Might feel my love—she was his sister once—

I clung to her. A moment, she seemed moved,

Kissed me with cold lips, suffered me to cling,

And drew me feebly through the hall, into

The room she sate in.

                                                                  There, with some strange spasm

Of pain and passion, she wrung loose my hands

Imperiously, and held me at arm’s length,

And with two grey-steel naked-bladed eyes

Searched through my face,—ay, stabbed it through and through,

Through brows and cheeks and chin, as if to find

A wicked murderer in my innocent face,

If not here, there perhaps. Then, drawing breath,

She struggled for her ordinary calm,

And missed it rather,—told me not to shrink,

As if she had told me not to lie or swear,—

‘She loved my father, and would love me too

As long as I deserved it.’ Very kind.

I understood her meaning afterward;

She thought to find my mother in my face,

And questioned it for that. For she, my aunt,

Had loved my father truly, as she could,

And hated, with the gall of gentle souls,

My Tuscan mother, who had fooled away

A wise man from wise courses, a good man

From obvious duties, and, depriving her,

His sister, of the household precedence,

Had wronged his tenants, robbed his native land,

And made him mad, alike by life and death,

In love and sorrow. She had pored for years

What sort of woman could be suitable

To her sort of hate, to entertain it with;

And so, her very curiosity

Became hate too, and all the idealism

She ever used in life, was used for hate,

Till hate, so nourished, did exceed at last

The love from which it grew, in strength and heat,

And wrinkled her smooth conscience with a sense

Of disputable virtue (say not, sin)

When Christian doctrine was enforced at church.

And thus my father’s sister was to me

My mother’s hater. From that day, she did

Her duty to me, (I appreciate it

In her own word as spoken to herself)

Her duty, in large measure, well-pressed out,

But measured always. She was generous, bland,

More courteous than was tender, gave me still

The first place,—as if fearful that God’s saints

Would look down suddenly and say, ‘Herein

You missed a point, I think, through lack of love.’

Alas, a mother never is afraid

Of speaking angrily to any child,

Since love, she knows, is justified of love.

And I, I was a good child on the whole,

A meek and manageable child. Why not?

I did not live, to have the faults of life:

There seemed more true life in my father’s grave

Than in all England. Since that threw me off

Who fain would cleave, (his latest will, they say,

Consigned me to his land) I only thought

Of lying quiet there where I was thrown

Like sea-weed on the rocks, and suffer her

To prick me to a pattern with her pin,

Fibre from fibre, delicate leaf from leaf,

And dry out from my drowned anatomy

The last sea-salt left in me.

                                                                              So it was.

I broke the copious curls upon my head

In braids, because she liked smooth ordered hair.

I left off saying my sweet Tuscan words

Which still at any stirring of the heart

Came up to float across the English phrase,

As lilies, (Bene.. or che ch’è) because

She liked my father’s child to speak his tongue.

I learnt the collects and the catechism,

The creeds, from Athanasius back to Nice,

The Articles.. the Tracts against the times,

(By no means Buonaventure’s ‘Prick of Love,’)

And various popular synopses of

Inhuman doctrines never taught by John,

Because she liked instructed piety.

I learnt my complement of classic French

(Kept pure of Balzac and neologism,)

And German also, since she liked a range

Of liberal education,—tongues, not books.

I learnt a little algebra, a little

Of the mathematics,—brushed with extreme flounce

The circle of the sciences, because

She misliked women who are frivolous.

I learnt the royal genealogies

Of Oviedo, the internal laws

Of the Burmese Empire,.. by how many feet

Mount Chimborazo outsoars Himmeleh,

What navigable river joins itself

To Lara, and what census of the year five

Was taken at Klagenfurt,—because she liked

A general insight into useful facts.

I learnt much music,—such as would have been

As quite impossible in Johnson’day

As still it might be wished—fine sleights of hand

And unimagined fingering, shuffling off

The hearer’s soul through hurricanes of notes

To a noisy Tophet; and I drew.. costumes

From French engravings, nereids neatly draped,

With smirks of simmering godship,—I washed in

From nature, landscapes, (rather say, washed out.)

I danced the polka and Cellarius,

Spun glass, stuffed birds, and modelled flowers in wax,

Because she liked accomplishments in girls.

I read a score of books on womanhood

To prove, if women do not think at all,

They may teach thinking, (to a maiden aunt

Or else the author)—books demonstrating

Their right of comprehending husband’s talk

When not too deep, and even of answering

With pretty ‘may it please you,’ or ‘so it is,’—

Their rapid insight and fine aptitude,

Particular worth and general missionariness,

As long as they keep quiet by the fire

And never say ‘no’ when the world says ‘ay,’

For that is fatal,—their angelic reach

Of virtue, chiefly used to sit and darn,

And fatten household sinners—their, in brief,

Potential faculty in everything

Of abdicating power in it: she owned

She liked a woman to be womanly,

And English women, she thanked God and sighed,

(Some people always sigh in thanking God)

Were models to the universe. And last

I learnt cross-stitch, because she did not like

To see me wear the night with empty hands,

A-doing nothing. So, my shepherdess

Was something after all, (the pastoral saints

Be praised for’t) leaning lovelorn with pink eyes

To match her shoes, when I mistook the silks;

Her head uncrushed by that round weight of hat

So strangely similar to the tortoise-shell

Which slew the tragic poet.

                                                                              By the way,

The works of women are symbolical.

We sew, sew, prick our fingers, dull our sight,

Producing what? A pair of slippers, sir,

To put on when you’re weary—or a stool

To tumble over and vex you.. ‘curse that stool!’

Or else at best, a cushion where you lean

And sleep, and dream of something we are not,

But would be for your sake. Alas, alas!

This hurts most, this.. that, after all, we are paid

The worth of our work, perhaps.

                                                                                          In looking down

Those years of education, (to return)

I wondered if Brinvilliers suffered more

In the water torture,.. flood succeeding flood

To drench the incapable throat and split the veins..

Than I did. Certain of your feebler souls

Go out in such a process; many pine

To a sick, inodorous light; my own endured:

I had relations in the Unseen, and drew

The elemental nutriment and heat

From nature, as earth feels the sun at nights,

Or as a babe sucks surely in the dark.

I kept the life, thrust on me, on the outside

Of the inner life, with all its ample room

For heart and lungs, for will and intellect,

Inviolable by conventions. God,

I thank thee for that grace of thine!

                                                                                                At first,

I felt no life which was not patience,—did

The thing she bade me, without heed to a thing

Beyond it, sate in just the chair she placed,

With back against the window, to exclude

The sight of the great lime-tree on the lawn,

Which seemed to have come on purpose from the woods

To bring the house a message,—ay, and walked

Demurely in her carpeted low rooms,

As if I should not, harkening my own steps,

Misdoubt I was alive. I read her books,

Was civil to her cousin, Romney Leigh,

Gave ear to her vicar, tea to her visitors,

And heard them whisper, when I changed a cup,

(I blushed for joy at that!)—‘The Italian child,

For all her blue eyes and her quiet ways,

Thrives ill in England; she is paler yet

Than when we came the last time; she will die.’

‘Will die.’ My cousin, Romney Leigh, blushed too,

With sudden anger, and approaching me

Said low between his teeth—‘You’re wicked now?

You wish to die and leave the world a-dusk

For others, with your naughty light blown out?’

I looked into his face defyingly.

He might have known, that, being what I was,

’Twas natural to like to get away

As far as dead folk can; and then indeed

Some people make no trouble when they die.

He turned and went abruptly, slammed the door

And shut his dog out.

                                                            Romney, Romney Leigh.

I have not named my cousin hitherto,

And yet I used him as a sort of friend;

My elder by few years, but cold and shy

And absent.. tender when he thought of it,

Which scarcely was imperative, grave betimes,

As well as early master of Leigh Hall,

Whereof the nightmare sate upon his youth

Repressing all its seasonable delights,

And agonising with a ghastly sense

Of universal hideous want and wrong

To incriminate possession. When he came

From college to the country, very oft

He crossed the hills on visits to my aunt,

With gifts of blue grapes from the hothouses,

A book in one hand,—mere statistics, (if

I chanced to lift the cover) count of all

The goats whose beards are sprouting down toward hell,

Against God’s separating judgment-hour.

And she, she almost loved him,—even allowed

That sometimes he should seem to sigh my way;

It made him easier to be pitiful,

And sighing was his gift. So, undisturbed

At whiles she let him shut my music up

And push my needles down, and lead me out

To see in that south angle of the house

The figs grow black as if by a Tuscan rock,

On some light pretext. She would turn her head

At other moments, go to fetch a thing,

And leave me breath enough to speak with him,

For his sake; it was simple.

                                                                              Sometimes too

He would have saved me utterly, it seemed,

He stood and looked so.

                                                                        Once, he stood so near

He dropped a sudden hand upon my head

Bent down on woman’s work, as soft as rain—

But then I rose and shook it off as fire,

The stranger’s touch that took my father’s place,

Yet dared seem soft.

                                                            I used him for a friend

Before I ever knew him for a friend.

’Twas better, ’twas worse also, afterward:

We came so close, we saw our differences

Too intimately. Always Romney Leigh

Was looking for the worms, I for the gods.

A godlike nature his; the gods look down,

Incurious of themselves; and certainly

’Tis well I should remember, how, those days

I was a worm too, and he looked on me.

A little by his act perhaps, yet more

By something in me, surely not my will,

I did not die. But slowly, as one in swoon,

To whom life creeps back in the form of death

With a sense of separation, a blind pain

Of blank obstruction, and a roar i’ the ears

Of visionary chariots which retreat

As earth grows clearer.. slowly, by degrees,

I woke, rose up.. where was I? in the world;

For uses, therefore, I must count worth while.

I had a little chamber in the house,

As green as any privet-hedge a bird

Might choose to build in, though the nest itself

Could show but dead-brown sticks and straws; the walls

Were green, the carpet was pure green, the straight

Small bed was curtained greenly, and the folds

Hung green about the window, which let in

The out-door world with all its greenery.

You could not push your head out and escape

A dash of dawn-dew from the honeysuckle,

But so you were baptised into the grace

And privilege of seeing...

                                                                              First, the lime,

(I had enough, there, of the lime, be sure,—

My morning-dream was often hummed away

By the bees in it;) past the lime, the lawn,

Which, after sweeping broadly round the house,

Went trickling through the shrubberies in a stream

Of tender turf, and wore and lost itself

Among the acacias, over which, you saw

The irregular line of elms by the deep lane

Which stopped the grounds and dammed the overflow

Of arbutus and laurel. Out of sight

The lane was; sunk so deep, no foreign tramp

Nor drover of wild ponies out of Wales

Could guess if lady’s hall or tenant’s lodge

Dispensed such odours,—though his stick well-crook’d

Might reach the lowest trail of blossoming briar

Which dipped upon the wall. Behind the elms,

And through their tops, you saw the folded hills

Striped up and down with hedges, (burley oaks

Projecting from the lines to show themselves)

Through which my cousin Romney’s chimneys smoked

As still as when a silent mouth in frost

Breathes—showing where the woodlands hid Leigh Hall;

While far above, a jut of table-land,

A promontory without water, stretched,—

You could not catch it if the days were thick,

Or took it for a cloud; but, otherwise

The vigorous sun would catch it up at eve

And use it for an anvil till he had filled

The shelves of heaven with burning thunderbolts,

And proved he need not rest so early:—then,

When all his setting trouble was resolved

To a trance of passive glory, you might see

In apparition on the golden sky

(Alas, my Giotto’s background!) the sheep run

Along the fine clear outline, small as mice

That run along a witch’s scarlet thread.

Not a grand nature. Not my chestnut-woods

Of Vallombrosa, cleaving by the spurs

To the precipices. Not my headlong leaps

Of waters, that cry out for joy or fear

In leaping through the palpitating pines,

Like a white soul tossed out to eternity

With thrills of time upon it. Not indeed

My multitudinous mountains, sitting in

The magic circle, with the mutual touch

Electric, panting from their full deep hearts

Beneath the influent heavens, and waiting for

Communion and commission. Italy

Is one thing, England one.

                                                                        On English ground

You understand the letter.. ere the fall,

How Adam lived in a garden. All the fields

Are tied up fast with hedges, nosegay-like;

The hills are crumpled plains—the plains, parterres—

The trees, round, woolly, ready to be clipped;

And if you seek for any wilderness

You find, at best, a park. A nature tamed

And grown domestic like a barn-door fowl,

Which does not awe you with its claws and beak,

Nor tempt you to an eyrie too high up,

But which, in cackling, sets you thinking of

Your eggs to-morrow at breakfast, in the pause

Of finer meditation.

                                                      Rather say

A sweet familiar nature, stealing in

As a dog might, or child, to touch your hand

Or pluck your gown, and humbly mind you so

Of presence and affection, excellent

For inner uses, from the things without.

I could not be unthankful, I who was

Entreated thus and holpen. In the room

I speak of, ere the house was well awake,

And also after it was well asleep,

I sat alone, and drew the blessing in

Of all that nature. With a gradual step,

A stir among the leaves, a breath, a ray,

It came in softly, while the angels made

A place for it beside me. The moon came,

And swept my chamber clean of foolish thoughts

The sun came, saying, ‘Shall I lift this light

Against the lime-tree, and you will not look?

I make the birds sing—listen!.. but, for you,

God never hears your voice, excepting when

You lie upon the bed at nights and weep.’

Then, something moved me. Then, I wakened up

More slowly than I verily write now,

But wholly, at last, I wakened, opened wide

The window and my soul, and let the airs

And out-door sights sweep gradual gospels in,

Regenerating what I was. O Life,

How oft we throw it off and think,—‘Enough,

Enough of life in so much!—here's a cause

For rupture;—herein we must break with Life,

Or be ourselves unworthy; here we are wronged,

Maimed, spoiled for aspiration: farewell Life!'

—And so, as froward babes, we hide our eyes

And think all ended.—Then, Life calls to us,

In some transformed, apocryphal, new voice,

Above us, or below us, or around...

Perhaps we name it Nature’s voice, or Love’s,

Tricking ourselves, because we are more ashamed

So own our compensations than our griefs:

Still, Life’s voice!—still, we make our peace with Life.

And I, so young then, was not sullen. Soon

I used to get up early, just to sit

And watch the morning quicken in the grey,

And hear the silence open like a flower,

Leaf after leaf,—and stroke with listless hand

The woodbine through the window, till at last

I came to do it with a sort of love,

At foolish unaware: whereat I smiled,—

A melancholy smile, to catch myself

Smiling for joy.

                                                Capacity for joy

Admits temptation. It seemed, next, worth while

To dodge the sharp sword set against my life;

To slip down stairs through all the sleepy house,

As mute as any dream there, and escape

As a soul from the body, out of doors,—

Glide through the shrubberies, drop into the lane,

And wander on the hills an hour or two,

Then back again before the house should stir.

Or else I sat on in my chamber green,

And lived my life, and thought my thoughts, and prayed

My prayers without the vicar; read my books,

Without considering whether they were fit

To do me good. Mark, there. We get no good

By being ungenerous, even to a book,

And calculating profits.. so much help

By so much reading. It is rather when

We gloriously forget ourselves, and plunge

Soul-forward, headlong, into a book’s profound,

Impassioned for its beauty and salt of truth—

’Tis then we get the right good from a book.

I read much. What my father taught before

From many a volume, Love re-emphasised

Upon the self-same pages: Theophrast

Grew tender with the memory of his eyes,

And Ælian made mine wet. The trick of Greek

And Latin, he had taught me, as he would

Have taught me wrestling or the game of fives

If such he had known,—most like a shipwrecked man

Who heaps his single platter with goats’ cheese

And scarlet berries; or like any man

Who loves but one, and so gives all at once,

Because he has it, rather than because

He counts it worthy. Thus, my father gave;

And thus, as did the women formerly

By young Achilles, when they pinned the veil

Across the boy’s audacious front, and swept

With tuneful laughs the silver-fretted rocks,

He wrapt his little daughter in his large

Man’s doublet, careless did it fit or no.

But, after I had read for memory,

I read for hope. The path my father’s foot

Had trod me out, which suddenly broke off,

(What time he dropped the wallet of the flesh

And passed) alone I carried on, and set

My child-heart ’gainst the thorny underwood,

To reach the grassy shelter of the trees.

Ah, babe i’ the wood, without a brother-babe!

My own self-pity, like the red-breast bird,

Flies back to cover all that past with leaves.

Sublimest danger, over which none weeps,

When any young wayfaring soul goes forth

Alone, unconscious of the perilous road,

The day-sun dazzling in his limpid eyes,

To thrust his own way, he an alien, through

The world of books! Ah, you!—you think it fine,

You clap hands—‘A fair day!’—you cheer him on,

As if the worst, could happen, were to rest

Too long beside a fountain. Yet, behold,

Behold!—the world of books is still the world;

And worldlings in it are less merciful

And more puissant. For the wicked there

Are winged like angels. Every knife that strikes,

Is edged from elemental fire to assail

A spiritual life. The beautiful seems right

By force of beauty, and the feeble wrong

Because of weakness. Power is justified,

Though armed against St. Michael. Many a crown

Covers bald foreheads. In the book-world, true,

There’s no lack, neither, of God’s saints and kings,

That shake the ashes of the grave aside

From their calm locks, and undiscomfited

Look stedfast truths against Time’s changing mask.

True, many a prophet teaches in the roads;

True, many a seer pulls down the flaming heavens

Upon his own head in strong martyrdom,

In order to light men a moment’s space.

But stay!—who judges?—who distinguishes

’Twixt Saul and Nahash justly, at first sight,

And leaves king Saul precisely at the sin,

To serve king David? who discerns at once

The sound of the trumpets, when the trumpets blow

For Alaric as well as Charlemagne?

Who judges prophets, and can tell true seers

From conjurors? The child, there? Would you leave

That child to wander in a battle-field

And push his innocent smile against the guns?

Or even in the catacombs,.. his torch

Grown ragged in the fluttering air, and all

The dark a-mutter round him? not a child!

I read books bad and good—some bad and good

At once: good aims not always make good books;

Well-tempered spades turn up ill-smelling soils

In digging vineyards, even: books, that prove

God’s being so definitely, that man’s doubt

Grows self-defined the other side the line,

Made Atheist by suggestion; moral books,

Exasperating to license; genial books,

Discounting from the human dignity;

And merry books, which set you weeping when

The sun shines,—ay, and melancholy books,

Which make you laugh that any one should weep

In this disjointed life, for one wrong more.

The world of books is still the world, I write,

And both worlds have God’s providence, thank God,

To keep and hearten: with some struggle, indeed,

Among the breakers, some hard swimming through

The deeps—I lost breath in my soul sometimes,

And cried ‘God save me if there’s any God.’

But even so, God saved me; and, being dashed

From error on to error, every turn

Still brought me nearer to the central truth.

I thought so. All this anguish in the thick

Of men’s opinions.. press and counterpress

Now up, now down, now underfoot, and now

Emergent.. all the best of it, perhaps,

But throws you back upon a noble trust

And use of your own instinct,—merely proves

Pure reason stronger than bare inference

At strongest. Try it,—fix against heaven’s wall

Your scaling ladders of high logic—mount

Step by step!—Sight goes faster; that still ray

Which strikes out from you, how, you cannot tell,

And why, you know not—(did you eliminate,

That such as you, indeed, should analyse?)

Goes straight and fast as light, and high as God.

The cygnet finds the water: but the man

Is born in ignorance of his element,

And feels out blind at first, disorganised

By sin i’ the blood,—his spirit-insight dulled

And crossed by his sensations. Presently

We feel it quicken in the dark sometimes;

Then, mark, be reverent, be obedient,—

For those dumb motions of imperfect life

Are oracles of vital Deity

Attesting the Hereafter. Let who says

‘The soul’s a clean white paper,’ rather say,

A palimpsest, a prophets holograph

Defiled, erased and covered by a monk’s,—

The apocalypse, by a Longus! poring on

Which obscene text, we may discern perhaps

Some fair, fine trace of what was written once,

Some upstroke of an alpha and omega

Expressing the old scripture.

                                                                              Books, books, books!

I had found the secret of a garret-room

Piled high with cases in my father’s name;

Piled high, packed large,—where, creeping in and out

Among the giant fossils of my past,

Like some small nimble mouse between the ribs

Of a mastodon, I nibbled here and there

At this or that box, pulling through the gap,

In heats of terror, haste, victorious joy,

The first book first. And how I felt it beat

Under my pillow, in the morning’s dark,

An hour before the sun would let me read!

My books!

                              At last, because the time was ripe,

I chanced upon the poets.

                                                                        As the earth

Plunges in fury, when the internal fires

Have reached and pricked her heart, and, throwing flat

The marts and temples, the triumphal gates

And towers of observation, clears herself

To elemental freedom—thus, my soul,

At poetry’s divine first finger touch,

Let go conventions and sprang up surprised,

Convicted of the great eternities

Before two worlds.

                                                      What’s this, Aurora Leigh,

You write so of the poets, and not laugh?

Those virtuous liars, dreamers after dark,

Exaggerators of the sun and moon,

And soothsayers in a tea-cup?

                                                                                    I write so

Of the only truth-tellers, now left to God,—

The only speakers of essential truth,

Opposed to relative, comparative,

And temporal truths; the only holders by

His sun-skirts, through conventional grey glooms;

The only teachers who instruct mankind,

From just a shadow on a charnel-wall,

To find man’s veritable stature out,

Erect, sublime,—the measure of a man,

And that’s the measure of an angel, says

The apostle. Ay, and while your common men

Build pyramids, gauge railroads, reign, reap, dine,

And dust the flaunty carpets of the world

For kings to walk on, or our senators,

The poet suddenly will catch them up

With his voice like a thunder.. ‘This is soul,

This is life, this word is being said in heaven,

Here’s God down on us! what are you about?’

How all those workers start amid their work,

Look round, look up, and feel, a moment’s space,

That carpet-dusting, though a pretty trade,

Is not the imperative labour after all.

My own best poets, am I one with you,

That thus I love you,—or but one through love?

Does all this smell of thyme about my feet

Conclude my visit to your holy hill

In personal presence, or but testify

The rustling of your vesture through my dreams

With influent odours? When my joy and pain,

My thought and aspiration, like the stops

Of pipe or flute, are absolutely dumb

If not melodious, do you play on me,

My pipers,—and if, sooth, you did not blow,

Would not sound come? or is the music mine,

As a man’s voice or breath is called his own,

Inbreathed by the Life-breather? There’s a doubt

For cloudy seasons!

                                                            But the sun was high

When first I felt my pulses set themselves

For concords; when the rhythmic turbulence

Of blood and brain swept outward upon words,

As wind upon the alders blanching them

By turning up their under-natures till

They trembled in dilation. O delight

And triumph of the poet,—who would say

A man’s mere ‘yes,’ a woman’s common ‘no,’

A little human hope of that or this,

And says the word so that it burns you through

With a special revelation, shakes the heart

Of all the men and women in the world,

As if one came back from the dead and spoke,

With eyes too happy, a familiar thing

Become divine i’ the utterance! while for him

The poet, the speaker, he expands with joy;

The palpitating angel in his flesh

Thrills inly with consenting fellowship

To those innumerous spirits who sun themselves

Outside of time.

                                                      O life, O poetry,

—Which means life in life! cognisant of life

Beyond this blood-beat,—passionate for truth

Beyond these senses,—poetry, my life,—

My eagle, with both grappling feet still hot

From Zeus’s thunder, who has ravished me

Away from all the shepherds, sheep, and dogs,

And set me in the Olympian roar and round

Of luminous faces, for a cup-bearer,

To keep the mouths of all the godheads moist

For everlasting laughters,—I, myself,

Half drunk across the beaker, with their eyes!

How those gods look!

                                                                  Enough so, Ganymede.

We shall not bear above a round or two—

We drop the golden cup at Heré’s foot

And swoon back to the earth,—and find ourselves

Face-down among the pine-cones, cold with dew,

While the dogs bark, and many a shepherd scoffs,

‘What’s come now to the youth?’ Such ups and downs

Have poets.

                                    Am I such indeed? The name

Is royal, and to sign it like a queen,

Is what I dare not,—though some royal blood

Would seem to tingle in me now and then,

With sense of power and ache,—with imposthumes

And manias usual to the race. Howbeit

I dare not: ’tis too easy to go mad,

And ape a Bourbon in a crown of straws;

The thing’s too common.

                                                                        Many fervent souls

Strike rhyme on rhyme, who would strike steel on steel

If steel had offered, in a restless heat

Of doing something. Many tender souls

Have strung their losses on a rhyming thread,

As children, cowslips:—the more pains they take,

The work more withers. Young men, ay, and maids,

Too often sow their wild oats in tame verse,

Before they sit down under their own vine

And live for use. Alas, near all the birds

Will sing at dawn,—and yet we do not take

The chaffering swallow for the holy lark.

In those days, though, I never analysed

Myself even. All analysis comes late.

You catch a sight of Nature, earliest,

In full front sun-face, and your eyelids wink

And drop before the wonder of’t; you miss

The form, through seeing the light. I lived, those days,

And wrote because I lived—unlicensed else:

My heart beat in my brain. Life’s violent flood

Abolished bounds,—and, which my neighbour’s field,

Which mine, what mattered? It is so in youth.

We play at leap-frog over the god Term;

The love within us and the love without

Are mixed, confounded; if we are loved or love,

We scarce distinguish. So, with other power.

Being acted on and acting seem the same:

In that first onrush of life’s chariot-wheels,

We know not if the forests move or we.

And so, like most young poets, in a flush

Of individual life, I poured myself

Along the veins of others, and achieved

Mere lifeless imitations of live verse,

And made the living answer for the dead,

Profaning nature. ‘Touch not, do not taste,

Nor handle,’—we’re too legal, who write young:

We beat the phorminx till we hurt our thumbs,

As if still ignorant of counterpoint;

We call the Muse.. ‘O Muse, benignant Muse!’—

As if we had seen her purple-braided head

With the eyes in it start between the boughs

As often as a stag’s. What make-believe,

With so much earnest! what effete results,

From virile efforts! what cold wire-drawn odes

From such white heats!—bucolics, where the cows

Would scare the writer if they splashed the mud

In lashing off the flies,—didactics, driven

Against the heels of what the master said;

And counterfeiting epics, shrill with trumps

A babe might blow between two straining cheeks

Of bubbled rose, to make his mother laugh;

And elegiac griefs, and songs of love,

Like cast-off nosegays picked up on the road,

The worse for being warm: all these things, writ

On happy mornings, with a morning heart,

That leaps for love, is active for resolve,

Weak for art only. Oft, the ancient forms

Will thrill, indeed, in carrying the young blood.

The wine-skins, now and then, a little warped,

Will crack even, as the new wine gurgles in.

Spare the old bottles!—spill not the new wine.

By Keats’s soul, the man who never stepped

In gradual progress like another man,

But, turning grandly on his central self,

Ensphered himself in twenty perfect years

And died, not young,—(the life of a long life,

Distilled to a mere drop, falling like a tear

Upon the world’s cold cheek to make it burn

For ever;) by that strong excepted soul,

I count it strange, and hard to understand,

That nearly all young poets should write old;

That Pope was sexagenarian at sixteen,

And beardless Byron academical,

And so with others. It may be, perhaps,

Such have not settled long and deep enough

In trance, to attain to clairvoyance,—and still

The memory mixes with the vision, spoils,

And works it turbid.

                                                            Or perhaps, again,

In order to discover the Muse-Sphinx,

The melancholy desert must sweep round,

Behind you, as before.—

                                                                        For me, I wrote

False poems, like the rest, and thought them true,

Because myself was true in writing them.

I, peradventure, have writ true ones since

With less complacence.

                                                                  But I could not hide

My quickening inner life from those at watch.

They saw a light at a window now and then,

They had not set there. Who had set it there?

My father’s sister started when she caught

My soul agaze in my eyes. She could not say

I had no business with a sort of soul,

But plainly she objected,—and demurred,

That souls were dangerous things to carry straight

Through all the spilt saltpetre of the world.

She said sometimes, ‘Aurora, have you done

Your task this morning?—have you read that book?

And are you ready for the crochet here?’—

As if she said, ‘I know there’s something wrong,

I know I have not ground you down enough

To flatten and bake you to a wholesome crust

For household uses and proprieties,

Before the rain has got into my barn

And set the grains a-sprouting. What, you’re green

With out-door impudence? you almost grow?’

To which I answered, ‘Would she hear my task,

And verify my abstract of the book?

And should I sit down to the crochet work?

Was such her pleasure?’.. Then I sate and teased

The patient needle till it spilt the thread,

Which oozed off from it in meandering lace

From hour to hour. I was not, therefore, sad;

My soul was singing at a work apart

Behind the wall of sense, as safe from harm

As sings the lark when sucked up out of sight,

In vortices of glory and blue air.

And so, through forced work and spontaneous work,

The inner life informed the outer life,

Reduced the irregular blood to settled rhythms,

Made cool the forehead with fresh-sprinkling dreams,

And, rounding to the spheric soul the thin

Pined body, struck a colour up the cheeks,

Though somewhat faint. I clenched my brows across

My blue eyes greatening in the looking-glass,

And said, ‘We’ll live, Aurora! we’ll be strong.

The dogs are on us—but we will not die.’

Whoever lives true life, will love true love.

I learnt to love that England. Very oft,

Before the day was born, or otherwise

Through secret windings of the afternoons,

I threw my hunters off and plunged myself

Among the deep hills, as a hunted stag

Will take the waters, shivering with the fear

And passion of the course. And when, at last

Escaped,—so many a green slope built on slope

Betwixt me and the enemy’s house behind,

I dared to rest, or wander,—like a rest

Made sweeter for the step upon the grass,—

And view the ground’s most gentle dimplement,

(As if God’s finger touched but did not press

In making England!) such an up and down

Of verdure,—nothing too much up or down,

A ripple of land; such little hills, the sky

Can stoop to tenderly and the wheatfields climb;

Such nooks of valleys, lined with orchises,

Fed full of noises by invisible streams;

And open pastures, where you scarcely tell

White daisies from white dew,—at intervals

The mythic oaks and elm-trees standing out

Self-poised upon their prodigy of shade,—

I thought my father’s land was worthy too

Of being my Shakspeare’s.

                                                                              Very oft alone,

Unlicensed; not unfrequently with leave

To walk the third with Romney and his friend

The rising painter, Vincent Carrington,

Whom men judge hardly, as bee-bonneted,

Because he holds that, paint a body well,

You paint a soul by implication, like

The grand first Master. Pleasant walks! for if

He said.. ‘When I was last in Italy’..

It sounded as an instrument that’s played

Too far off for the tune—and yet it’s fine

To listen.

                              Often we walked only two,

If cousin Romney pleased to walk with me.

We read, or talked, or quarrelled, as it chanced:

We were not lovers, nor even friends well-matched—

Say rather, scholars upon different tracks,

And thinkers disagreed; he, overfull

Of what is, and I, haply, overbold

For what might be.

                                                      But then the thrushes sang,

And shook my pulses and the elms’ new leaves,—

And then I turned, and held my finger up,

And bade him mark that, howsoe’er the world

Went ill, as he related, certainly

The thrushes still sang in it.—At which word

His brow would soften,—and he bore with me

In melancholy patience, not unkind,

I flattered all the beauteous country round,

As poets use.. the skies, the clouds, the fields,

The happy violets hiding from the roads

The primroses run down to, carrying gold,—

The tangled hedgerows, where the cows push out

Impatient horns and tolerant churning mouths

'Twixt dripping ash-boughs,—hedgerows all alive

With birds and gnats and large white butterflies

Which look as if the May-flower had sought life

And palpitated forth upon the wind,—

Hills, vales, woods, netted in a silver mist,

Farms, granges, doubled up among the hills,

And cattle grazing in the watered vales,

And cottage-chimneys smoking from the woods,

And cottage-gardens smelling everywhere,

Confused with smell of orchards. 'See,' I said,

'And see! is God not with us on the earth?

And shall we put Him down by aught we do?

Who says there's nothing for the poor and vile

Save poverty and wickedness? behold!'

And ankle-deep in English grass I leaped,

And clapped my hands, and called all very fair.

In the beginning when God called all good,

Even then, was evil near us, it is writ.

But we, indeed, who call things good and fair,

The evil is upon us while we speak;

Deliver us from evil, let us pray.